


i love you.

by stefonzolesky



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 14:49:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12256524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: I love youbecause I am afraid of the darkand can’t sleep in the lightbecause I rub my eyeswhen I wake up in the morningand find you there





	i love you.

_ I love you because the Earth turns round the sun _

It’s a stretch, because Gob has never believed in fate before. It’s a stretch because he doesn’t understand what Michael says when he insists that some people are just… meant to be. It’s a stretch because really, how could anyone in their right mind allow themselves to fall in love so blindly?

_ because the North wind blows north, sometimes _

But when he’s with Tony, it’s like a puzzle. Like there’s nobody else that could fill a gap the way Tony does. He doesn’t want to say it’s fate, because fate is just something that Lucille made up to scare the kids into doing what she wanted, or so he’s convinced. A force that leads you to where you’re supposed to be? Come on! That’s horrifying.

_ because the Pope is Catholic, and most Rabbis Jewish _

Either way, it  _ does _ feel like something pushed Gob towards Tony, whether it was fate and it was forceful, or it was coincidence and it wasn’t. It  _ does _ feel right. It  _ does _ feel like it could, maybe, possibly be meant to be. Just a little bit, at least. Enough that Gob actually has to admit that hey, they work pretty well together.

_ because the winters flow into springs, and the air clears after a storm _

Gob’s never had  _ right _ before. He’s had late nights with girls he can’t remember the names of, and he’s sure he’s had  _ something more _ but he can’t remember it so he puts it off. But with Tony, he wants to remember nearly everything. Not the sex, he can’t bring himself to remember the sex because it feels like too much of a weight on his chest, and like his mother said -- no scandals. He can’t get caught if he genuinely doesn’t remember. 

He swallows another pill and goes to sleep. Tony feels right.

_ because only my love for you, despite the charms of gravity, keeps me from falling off this Earth into another dimension _

Sometimes, Gob can’t breathe. It’s like he’s allergic to all his surroundings and someone put a weight on his chest. 

Tony’s hands on his shoulders help him breathe. They keep him steady. He’s never had that before, someone who wants to help him work through his problems instead of shushing him until he drops it, until he fixes himself. Like Michael does. His chest rises and falls unevenly on it’s own, now. He doesn’t need someone to tell him to be quiet, he needs someone to want to help him. Tony is that someone.

_ I love you because it is the natural order of things _

Gob can admit that he might have been terrified of fate. That he might have been scared to fall in love, because maybe lust is one thing and the need to feel someone against his body no matter who they are -- he’s felt that many times before. But love, real and pure love like waking up next to someone in the morning and  _ not _ wanting to run away while they sleep. That’s something new. Now he knows. That’s what he’s been missing all these years.

_ I love you like the habit I picked up in college of sleeping through lectures or saying I’m sorry when I get stopped for speeding _

It’s easy to listen to Tony. Gob tends to zone out when people talk and it doesn’t exactly matter to him, he’s not afraid to say that he’s lost count of the conversations he’s stopped hearing with Michael about his son or the weather or something about their parents. He doesn’t have the attention span to listen. He falls asleep, just a little, standing up. Except when Tony talks. His voice is rough and sometimes it cracks when he gets excited, and Gob could listen to him talk about bakeries or the weather or some story from high school all day, every day, and never get tired of it. Maybe that’s what love means.

_ because I drink a glass of water in the morning and chain-smoke cigarettes all through the day _

Gob knows might not be so healthy, not so good at taking care of himself, and granted, neither of them are. But they manage to take care of each other. Tony reminds Gob he can’t live off of cheese and bread,  _ (“I eat mustard too, Tony,” he insists, as if that’s supposed to fix everything) _ and Gob makes sure Tony doesn’t lock himself up for days on end, working on his illusions to a ridiculous and unhealthy point, far past what Gob has done before. They take care of each other. Maybe love is taking care of each other.

_ because I take my coffee Black and my milk with chocolate _

It’s childlike wonder,  _ (did somebody say Wonder?) _ what they’ve got together. Gob has never had something this right. Gob has never fallen in love. He’s had lust, he’s had eroticism. He’s been in a hospital and he’s been on dates and he’s been  _ married, _ but he’s never had a relationship filled with this much childlike curiosity, where both of them aren’t scared to say anything because neither of them have done this before, for real.

_ because you keep my feet warm though my life a mess _

That’s what Michael talks about, though Gob hardly listens. How some things are meant to be. How he isn’t terrified by talk of fate and destiny and someone controlling what you do and how you do it, because ultimately, it’s all worth it in the end. And Gob doesn’t necessarily believe that much, but he does know that Tony helps him make sense of life -- something he’s never been able to figure out before. He doesn’t need to grow up, with Tony. He doesn’t need to be responsible.

_ I love you because I don’t want it any other way _

Gob thinks that maybe things would have turned out differently, if he’d come to terms with, well,  _ that _ a lot sooner. Maybe he’d have dated Gary, at the Bluth Company. Or JBJ. There’s endless possibilities, because yeah, Gob had kissed boys before. But he’d never known what it’s like to love one. 

Somehow, though, he’s glad he only knew this late. Because otherwise, he wouldn’t be where he is now.  And that’s what he needs. That’s what matters. 

_ I am helpless in my love for you _

Sometimes, Tony makes Gob feel like he’s drowning. He’s drowning, but it’s not so bad. Because he thinks that he might learn how to swim, sometime in the near future. He’ll have to. He isn’t settling like he’s used to, finding a girl that falls at his feet and appreciates him, no matter how much (or how little) he appreciates her. With Tony, it isn’t like that at all.

_ It makes me so happy to hear you call my name _

With Tony, he finds himself doing things he’s never done before. Struggling with Siri and a pack of boxed pancake mix to surprise him in the morning, ending up with chocolate sauce on his nose and half-burnt pancakes stacked on top of each other on a plate, hardly edible, but he’s proud of himself, god damn it! And Tony just laughs and gives him this… award winning, heart melting grin alongside his thanks, and just that is enough to keep Gob hanging around.

_I am amazed you can resist locking me in an echo chamber where your voice reverberates_ _through the four walls, sending me into spasmatic ecstasy._

Gob lies awake at night a lot. Tony’s breathing rings in his ears. Living together has been… different, to say the least. He can’t hide from his problems like he’s used to, not sharing a house and a cat (only God knows how it even ended up there -- it just  _ shows up _ sometimes) and shopping for the two of them, which is mainly Tony’s area -- Gob hardly remembers to eat on his own. But it’s when he lies awake at night and thinks too much about the day, bits of conversations that made him smile more than he knew he could echoing inside his head, that’s when he knows it’s worth it.

_ I love you because it’s been so good for so long that if I didn’t love you, I’d have to be born again, and that is not a theological statement. _

Gob loses track of the time easily. He sits alone a lot, even living with Tony, enough to think too hard for too long and forget what he was trying to do in the first place. He’s started overthinking, overexplaining everything since he and Tony started dating. And it’s not conscious, but he tries to fix it. Tries to be vague and dull like he used to be, just go with the first decision that comes to mind. But it doesn’t work, anymore.

Gob can’t say that he isn’t a little bit relieved.

_ I am pitiful in my love for you _

He hates to admit, sometimes, that he’s still scared. Terrified, even. So he pushes the fear down no matter how much it scratches at his throat. It’s helpless falling, and of all things, he never thought this would be what scared him the most. He has marks on his arm that break open, sometimes, from nervous scratching. 

Sometimes, he breaks open scratches. Sometimes, Tony grabs his hand to stop him. Maybe that’s what love is. Maybe Gob has fallen prey. He scratches harder at his arm. Tony distracts him.

_ The Dells tell me Love is so simple _

Gob has mostly gotten over his fears by now. Everything is a lot easier than he thought it would be. He thought it would be hard -- and it can be, blood, sweat, and tears. Love is effort. But it’s an effort that you can make, and no decision like that could ever be easier. Gob tries, for Tony, because he thinks that if he doesn’t try… what he has now could disappear. And he needs the stability, now.  _ No scandals, _ he thinks. If this is a scandal, he doesn’t want to listen.

_ the thought though of you sends indescribably delicious multitudinous thrills throughout and through-in my body _

He wants to say that he’s in it for the sex. That’s a knee-jerk reaction he has -- could he really have feelings for a man? Be in love with this… this absolutely ethereal man, sure, but a man nonetheless? He would much rather say that he’s only in it for the sex. But he’s not and he knows he’s not and he’s sure that just by looking him dead in the eye when he says that,  _ I’m only dating Tony Wonder for the sex, _ anyone could tell he was lying. He stopped saying it when he realized that it wasn’t true.

_ I love you because no two snowflakes are alike _

There’s not a single way that any of Gob’s past relationships can compare to Tony. Sometimes, he tries to compare them. Wonder what he might have missed out on by ending those.

But he always comes up empty handed. He would give up so many things for Tony that he never could before, not for anyone else. He overthinks that at night, with Tony’s legs tangled around his own, and he’s glad that he ended up here. It might have been hard to get here, but he’s glad.

_ and it is possible, if you stand tippy-toe, to walk between the raindrops _

It’s wonderful. All in all, it’s the most wonderful thing he’s ever been a part of in his life. It’s childlike glory, like winning a game of capture-the-flag (something Gob never experienced.) It’s waking up in the morning and thinking that he might be the luckiest person he knows. He’s never felt the need to gush about someone, to brag, not until Tony. Tony changed his life, for the better. And they’re dysfunctional, but maybe love is dysfunctional and that’s okay.

_ I love you because I am afraid of the dark and can’t sleep in the light _

Tony keeps Gob from suffocating. From drowning while he sleeps, in dead darkness and piercing silence. He lets Gob hold his hand at night when he’s plagued by things that he can’t see, horrid fears in the back of his head. Tony keeps him safe, Tony feels more like home than his home ever has. Because this is the first that someone has really, and that means  _ really _ , cared for him. The first time he’s had someone that texts him every once in awhile just to see where he is, make sure he’s okay. The first time he’s done the same for anyone else.

_ because I rub my eyes when I wake up in the morning and find you there _

And Tony is more ethereal than anything else. Nothing calms Gob to the extent that Tony can. Nothing makes him feel more safe, more wanted. Nothing ever has, and he figures that nothing ever will. He’s never… deserved this kind of love in the slightest. And he’s growing up, finally, and realizing the horrid extents he went to before. 

Tony says it’s okay. Tony says everyone makes mistakes. Gob trusts Tony more than he’s trusted anyone before. Tony is home, for him. 

_ because you with all your magic powers were determined that I should love you _

It’s magic. That’s what Tony does. 

Of course it is. That’s what both of them do. But it’s different, with Tony. It’s not illusions, it’s  _ magic. _ It’s magic the way that Tony can calm him down with just a touch, put out a flame in his head with just a few words. It’s magic the way that all Gob wants to do is make Tony happy, the way that makes him happy beyond belief. It’s magic, learning to care. It’s magic to love, and it’s magic that Gob is starting to get the hang of.

_ because there was nothing for you but that I would love you _

Sometimes, Gob wonders what Tony gets out of the relationship. Besides the sex, of course, it doesn’t seem like it’s a fair deal. Tony is a constant, for Gob. A kind of stability. But Gob is a trainwreck, and he’d like to say that he’d be into himself, but he knows that it’s not true.

When he asks Tony what he gets out of it, the response isn’t what he’d expect, but it gives him this new sense of… accomplishment. That he’s achieved care, from someone, and that he’s deserved it. Because Tony tells him that all he needs to get out of the relationship is happiness, and that’s exactly what Gob is giving him. 

(And the sex. Without question.)

_ I love you because you made me want to love you more than I love my privacy, my freedom, my commitments and responsibilities _

He’s far past realizations, he thinks, because he’s already realized that he’s given up everything that he needs to give up, just for Tony. He’s starting falling into a schedule. He’s working as president of the Bluth Company, and that means actually working. He’s saving money, he’s falling asleep next to someone every night, and he could never be happier about it. That’s something he’s never thought about having before. 

_ I love you ’cause I changed my life to love you _

And it’s all a good thing. Giving all these things up has shaped him so that even Michael has to admit that he’s doing alright like this. Even Lindsay has to admit that he’s taking care of himself, for once. Even his parents have to admit that he’s grown up. In all honesty, it takes him longer to admit these things to himself than it ever did for anyone else. But once he does, it fills him with pride that he’s never felt before, because he finally isn’t a disappointment. And that’s something to be proud about.

_ because you saw me one Friday afternoon and decided that I would love you _

It’s really all because of Tony, though. It leaves Gob feeling guilty for taking credit for the change. It’s Tony that saved him, it’s Tony that fixed him. It’s Tony that has him doing stupid things he’s never done before in a relationship, and it’s Tony that has him waking up every morning with a smile on his face. He’s never worked so well with someone before. And this… this is love.

_ I love you I love you I love you. _

**Author's Note:**

> i read 'resignation' by nikki giovanni and it was just uhhh so fuckin' blunder so u know i had to do this


End file.
